Finding New Ways to Contribute to the World When You’re Living With Chronic Illness
Charlene initially worked with Dan in Quick Counseling, to address her negative beliefs and the sense that because of her chronic illness she was no use to the world. With Dan’s help, she learned how to replace those beliefs with self-nurturing thoughts, and now she was ready to explore new ways to contribute to the world.
In their Quick Coaching, Sylvia’s initial work with Charlene focused on helping her identify her deepest values - those qualities and attributes that mattered most to her. Charlene was relieved to discover that she was still who she’d always been — someone who valued creativity, connection, and learning.
Contemplating her values, Charlene realized she wanted to share her love of learning with young people. After contacting several local school principals, she joined a volunteer literacy program and began reading to first graders twice a week. Although this new endeavor required time, effort, and planning, Charlene was thrilled to discover a new sense of fulfillment and purpose as she interacted with the children.
Four simple steps for discovering your contribution to the world
1. What do I want to contribute? Imagine that you could do absolutely anything you wanted to contribute to the world. Now, take out a piece of paper and write down as much as you can about your ideal contribution. Pretend there are no obstacles in your way as you consider the following questions:
• What do I want to do? (e.g., teach, fundraise, help animals, protect the environment, share your expertise, interact with others)
• How do I want to feel? (e.g., connected, excited, grateful, appreciated)
• Where do I want to be? (e.g., office, park, school, zoo)
• Who would I want to be with? (e.g., with - or –; with people who are funny, smart, caring, or cooperative)
• What are the logistics? (e.g., number of hours per week or month, amount of physical activity, degree of flexibility, amount of structure)
The goal here is to uncover your interests, narrow your focus, and provide a direction for your search. According to experts, simply writing down your intentions and goals greatly increases your chances of actually achieving them.
2. What are the possibilities? Using the information gathered above, choose one area or activity to focus on. (You can always switch gears down the road, so don’t be afraid to make a choice.) List all the actions, activities and strategies you can think of that will bring you closer to your ideal experience. The more ideas you generate, the more likely you’ll actually try some of them. Some possibilities might include playing with kittens at the Humane Society, knitting blankets for children, answering calls on a hotline, writing a blog, making fundraising calls or organizing supplies.
3. What action can I take? Take one step in the direction of what you want to do. You might make a phone call to get information, research possibilities online, or talk to your friends and relatives about what you’d like to do. After each thing you do, ask yourself, “What is my next step?”
4. What resources do I need to make this work? Determine what support services you will need and investigate what’s available. One of the biggest stumbling blocks can be transportation, so check to see whether your community provides transportation services for people with disabilities. Many churches, synagogues or community organizations have lists of volunteers willing to drive or provide other support services.
Throughout this process, you’ll end up collecting ideas, making contacts and broadening your horizons. You might not get where you thought you were going, but you could wind up somewhere better. Best of all, you’ll experience the satisfaction of adding meaning to your life and the lives of others.
“I’m no use to anyone anymore!”
What to do when chronic illness makes you question your life’s meaning
The other day, Charlene sadly told Dan, “I’m no use to anyone anymore.” Confined to a wheelchair from diabetic neuropathy, Charlene, a former nurse, was convinced that her life no longer had meaning. “I still want to make a contribution, but my health makes that impossible.”
“When chronic illness makes it difficult or even impossible to do what you used to do, your self-esteem and self-worth can take a beating.” Dan said. “And yet, whatever losses you’ve experienced, you still have many choices and opportunities. In fact, the experience of chronic illness can actually offer an opportunity to examine your deepest desires and rethink the direction of your life.”
Before people can reclaim a deeply satisfying life, they must overcome their negative, self-limiting thoughts about productivity and worthiness. In fact, many people discover that their negative beliefs are a greater obstacle than chronic illness itself. So Dan’s initial work with Charlene consisted of uncovering the negative beliefs she held about being useful.
Charlene was surprised to discover how often she engaged in “all or nothing thinking.” (Either I’m useful to others, or I’m not useful to others.) She quickly recognized that that were many gradations to being useful, and with Dan’s help, she came up with some helpful responses to counteract her negative thoughts. (I can be valuable to my grandson just by listening attentively to him. There are probably many ways I can be useful to others that don’t involve physical mobility.)
After several sessions, Charlene was confident that she still had much to offer, but she didn’t know what steps to take. So Dan suggested a few sessions of Quick Coaching with Sylvia to explore possibilities and create a step-by-step action plan.
We’ll tell you more about that part of the process in a future blog post - stay tuned!
“I don’t want to know if I have MS” - How one woman faced her fear of a definitive diagnosis
When You Have Health Issues that You Can’t Control, Take Control With Daily Self-Care Routines
Dan’s client Betty was afraid to learn whether or not she had multiple sclerosis, so she was avoiding the diagnostic appointments altogether. In their Quick Counseling sessions, she and Dan processed her fears using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques. She felt more confident that she could cope with her illness, and she got her diagnosis. It was MS.
Rather than being devastated, she was surprised to find that she felt liberated. “Now I can decide what treatments to pursue and how to best take care of myself,” she told Dan. She admitted, though, that she also felt very overwhelmed by all the choices that lay ahead. “I don’t know what to do first. How am I going to fit all these new treatments and appointments into my schedule?”
Dan recommended a few sessions of Quick Coaching with Sylvia. This would give her the support she needed to determine health care goals, establish self-care routines, and build a support network.
During their first session, Sylvia asked Betty, “What would help you feel more in control of your life right now?” Betty immediately answered, “I need to figure out how to fit all the new health-care activities into my schedule. I’m supposed to do special exercises, take medications, nap, in addition to all my usual responsibilities. ”
Simple routines for morning, afternoon and evening self-care
Sylvia explained that one way to reduce overwhelm is to establish simple routines for morning, afternoon and evening self-care. “When you follow a daily routine, you get into the habit of doing the same thing, at the same time, and this saves time and energy, since there is no need to think about what needs to be done. You already know what you have to do, and you do it.” Betty thought routines sounded like a good idea, but she wasn’t’ really convinced that she could stick to them.
Over the next few weeks, Sylvia assisted Betty in taking small, consistent steps toward developing routines to help her feel more in control. She asked Betty to list the top three things she needed to do each morning, afternoon, and evening to feel her best.
More time for you means more for others
When Betty felt guilty about scheduling a 30-minute nap each afternoon and 20 minutes of “free time” each evening, Sylvia reminded her that making her needs a priority would help her feel better physically and emotionally, which would allow her to be more available to others in the long run.
Within a month, Betty reported feeling less overwhelmed. Her routines returned a sense of order to her life and ensured that her basic health needs were being met. “When I stick to my routines,” she said, “I feel calmer and more in control. I can’t think of an easier way to boost my energy and save time.”
Create Your Own Daily Self-Care Routine in 3 Simple Steps
1. Complete each sentence below. Feel free to add one or two additional activities to each sentence, but do not exceed five tasks per line.
To feel my best, I must _________ and ________ every morning.
To feel my best, I must _________ and ________ every afternoon.
To feel my best, I must _________ and ________ every evening.
To feel my best, I must _________ and ________ several times a week.
2. Print out or draw a blank weekly calendar. Divide each day into 3 sections: Morning, Afternoon and Evening. Under each section, list your “to feel my best” activities from the statements above. Then list the activities that you want to do on a weekly basis under specific days.
3. Add times of day beside each activity to help you stay accountable.
Here’s an example of what one daily routine might look like.
Monday morning:
7:00 - Wake up
7:15 - Shower
8:00 - Take meds
8:15 - Breakfast
9:00 - Exercise
Monday afternoon:
11:30 - Lunch
12:30 -Nap
Monday evening:
5:30 - Meditate
6:00 - Dinner
7:30 - Journal
Remember that creating a routine habit takes time. So don’t get discouraged if you’re only able to perform one or two activities from your morning, afternoon or evening routine on a daily basis. That’s just fine! It’s far more important to learn how to pace yourself and build rest periods into your day, than it is to get through all the activities. Remember that your underlying goal is to replace chaos and overwhelm with peace and order.
“I don’t want to know if I have MS” – How one woman faced her fear of a definitive diagnosis
Betty began seeing Dan for Quick Counseling because she was anxious and depressed over a possible multiple sclerosis diagnosis. Her primary care doctor had referred her to a major medical center, but Betty could not force herself to make the necessary appointments to determine whether her physical symptoms were signs of MS.
“I don’t want to know if I have MS,” she told Dan at her first appointment. “I won’t be able to deal with it if I do have it, so it’s better not to know.” Dan told Betty that he understood her fears. He then suggested that they use a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tool to help her evaluate the pros and cons of getting an official diagnosis.
Fear of the unknown
With Dan’s help, Betty listed all the drawbacks and benefits of getting a diagnosis. As she looked over her list, Betty said, “I guess there are some good reasons to get a diagnosis. But I’m still really scared of what’s going to happen.” This is natural, since fear of the unknown can be more devastating than reality. Dan reassured her that he could teach her ways to reduce her fears, and that he’d be there to support her if she in fact did have MS.
During the two weeks leading up to her medical evaluation, Dan helped Betty pinpoint the negative thoughts that were triggering her fears about a positive diagnosis. Once her fears were out in the open (I’ll be housebound. I’ll be completely unable to pursue the things I love to do.), Dan used several Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques to reduce their power over Betty.
Challenging the negative thoughts
As Betty learned to challenge each negative thought with a new thought that was more positive and realistic (There’s no way to know how quickly MS might progress. I might go into remission. Even if I can’t do everything I love, I’d probably still be able to do many things for quite a while.), her anxiety began to lift. By the time she went for her evaluation, Betty felt much more confident about her ability to handle whatever lay ahead.
When the Doctor Wears Fur
Why Your Dog or Cat May Be One of the Best Docs 
Your Chronic Illness Could Ever Have
Many scientific studies have shown that pets have a positive effect on people — and especially on those of us living with a chronic condition. Pets not only ease loneliness, they help us break the spell of being mesmerized by our health concerns. Dogs help us exercise and socialize. Cats help us relax and feel soothed. Pets of all kinds help us laugh, feel reassured, and be in the present. But these “furry docs” contribute even more to our lives.
Pets can actually help prevent or alleviate serious medical conditions. A huge study involving over 4,400 participants — reported at an American Stroke Association conference in February (2008) — revealed that people with cats can reduce the likelihood of heart attack by 30% when compared with people who live without a cat.
Earlier research has shown that pets in general (no matter what kind) can reduce stress, add to the longevity of those who’ve already had a heart attack and relieve some symptoms of diseases that have a stress-related component. Studies also show that dogs, in particular, make people feel happier, allow them to meet new people on dog walks and even to lose weight (an average of 14 pounds a year, according to a University of Missouri study). The scientific evidence is overwhelming.
But living with pets who require lots of care can be difficult for those with chronic illness. Our client, Sandra, for instance, a 47-year-old woman with fibromyalgia, told Feel Better Now-CI Therapist Dan that, on some days, she really wondered if two rambunctious dogs were just too much for her.
So Dan asked Sandra to “externalize” her concerns — by writing down the advantages, as well as the disadvantages, of her dogs. At once, Sandra remembered how their love and companionship were an enormous comfort when she felt fearful and alone. And how they “broke the spell” of discouragement and pain with all their canine antics.
As a result, Sandra committed to find ways to live more comfortably with her dogs, and Dan suggested a few sessions of Quick Coaching with CI Life Coach Sylvia to develop some good strategies.
During their first session, Sylvia asked Sandra to talk about everything she found draining about her dogs. Then, together, they developed a plan for tackling each challenge. To avoid getting yanked around when her dogs were leashed, Sandra hired a trainer to perfect their obedience training. To get help on days when she felt fatigued, Sandra hired a neighborhood dog walker.
In a matter of weeks, most of the negatives of dog care had disappeared and Sandra felt a newfound happiness. Not only because of her resourcefulness, but because her dogs were now usually a joy.
Three Simple Steps for Caring for Your & Your Pet:
1. What isn’t working: List the top 10 things about pet care that drain your energy.
2. Create a plan: Address each thing on the list with a proactive solution. For example, hire help when you need it. You can view your investment in pet care as a good way to protect your health and energy — your life satisfaction.
3. One for you; one for Fido: Combine caring for your pet with caring for yourself. Need exercise? Need to socialize? Walk your dog! Want to meditate each morning? Put your cat in your lap! Want to explore your creative writing ability? Write about your dog, your cat, your bird, your hamster! Many books about pets have become bestsellers.
Once you’ve tried the three do-it-yourself steps above, you may also want some additional assistance in caring for yourself while caring for your pet. Getting an outside perspective can lead to solutions that are otherwise difficult to see.
Sign up for a free initial phone consultation with Therapist Dan or Coach Sylvia by visiting this page and clicking on Free Initial Consult. We look forward to talking with you.
“I Can’t Live Like This!”
What to Do When Chronic Illness
Steals Your Stamina & Shreds Your Patience
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If — like our client Alicia with fibromyalgia — you try to accomplish as much as possible whenever you are symptom-free . . . only to spend days recuperating afterwards . . . Therapist Dan and Coach Sylvia of Feel Better Now-CI can help you find a better way. Using their Quick Counseling + Coaching methods, you’ll not only complete your “Do” list with ease, you’ll free your energy for all the things you truly love to do.
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Late last week, a new client named Alicia — a fifty-one-year-old woman with fibromyalgia — was referred to us by her physician, Dr. Scott (we’ve changed both names to ensure their privacy). Dr. Scott wanted us to help Alicia with recurring lifestyle challenges brought on by her chronic illness.
“I can’t stand living like this!” Alicia exclaimed, when we asked what prompted her call. One recent Friday, knowing her college-age sons were coming home for the weekend, Alicia spent hours shopping for food and hours more preparing their favorite lasagna dinner. The next day, she could hardly enjoy their visit because of a painful flare up in her symptoms.
This wasn’t the first time Alicia had overexerted herself only to regret it the next day. In fact, it was a cyclical pattern. “When I feel good, I want to catch up on things, to make up for when all I can do is rest,” she explained. ”But I always pay for it later.”
We decided that Alicia would benefit from working first with Dan. He could help her identify hidden thoughts and beliefs — since these are usually the driving force behind a pattern of overexertion and painful payback.
As Dan asked Alicia questions, it became clear that several underlying fears were to blame. If she didn’t go all out for her sons, Alicia feared, they wouldn’t want to visit her. Even worse, they’d think she didn’t care. Oddly enough, she had never articulated these fears, and barely knew that she felt them.
But once they were out in the open, Dan used several Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques (Quick Counseling) to help reduce their power over Alicia. As she felt her old, partially hidden fears pop like soap bubbles, Alicia was not only relieved, she realized that overdoing and recuperating wasn’t her only option. She could choose to do something else, instead.
Asking more questions, Dan learned that Alicia still felt a little “wobbly” about acting on her new realization. So he recommended a few sessions of Quick Coaching with CI Life Coach Sylvia. This would give Alicia the support she needed to create new choices, and the strategies she needed to carry them out.
Sylvia began Alicia’s first session by using the most recent overexertion and recuperation cycle as a starting point. “What do you most look forward to when your sons are coming to visit?” Alicia didn’t hesitate. ”All of us being together as a family — my husband and I, and the boys — and telling stories, eating dinner, maybe going to a movie.”
“What could you have done differently,” Sylvia asked, “so you’d enjoy their visit, instead of being in pain?” Alicia sighed. “I could have rested instead of cooking on Friday. I always rest before special events, but my fears told me to cook for my sons. I could have ordered food instead of cooking. They would have enjoyed that nearly as much, and I wouldn’t have been in such pain.”
How could Alicia make different choices, going forward? Sylvia suggested that, before any activity, Alicia decide what she hoped to experience. And then create a “Do” list of no more than four tasks that would support her goal.
In the situation with her sons, Alicia’s list might have read: Ordering food for dinner, stocking her sons’ favorite beverages and snacks, getting their rooms in order, and taking several long naps on the Friday before they arrived. Alicia was amazed that the solution was so simple.
After a few more sessions, she realized that planning around her priorities not only worked. It gave her new energy to pursue the photography she loved but hadn’t been able to find the time or stamina for. Until now, that is. She couldn’t wait to try out her energy-enhancing skills, so she could take short field trips with her camera gear.
Five Simple Steps for Getting Started on Your Own:
1. Think of a situation in which you usually do too much and always feel terrible the next day.
2. Ask yourself, What’s the worst thing that could happen, if I don’t get everything done? Write your answers down.
3. Spend a few minutes focusing on each answer while asking this question: Is this really true? Then ask: What’s the kindest, most forgiving-of-myself way to restate this situation?
(For instance, Alicia, above, loved her sons and wanted to do something special for them. But mistreating herself cancels out her good intentions. Instead, she could tell herself, My sons will know I love them if I enjoy their visit. And that means being sure I have the energy to spend time with them.)
4. Finally, list all the options you can think of — the more the better — for handling this situation in a way that doesn’t compromise your health (like Alicia’s best option of ordering food instead of cooking, you might hire someone to do your preparation work, spread your work over a full week, or choose a less strenuous activity altogether).
5. Put one of your new options into practice. See how it works out. Make adjustments afterwards, if there are things you weren’t completely satisfied with. Or, try another option. Keep experimenting. Remember that the underlying goal is to enhance your health and happiness.
Once you’ve tried the do-it-yourself steps above, you may be interested in some additional help for resolving your doing-too-much challenges. Sometimes, a longstanding issue requires an extra boost to move out of our lives.
You can sign up for a free initial phone consultation with Therapist Dan or Coach Sylvia by clicking here, on Free Initial Consult. We look forward to talking with you.
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Don't Let Chronic Illness Stand in Your Way: The Coach Approach to Reaching Your Full Potential
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